Adoption: An Abrupt Transition to Family Life

Having kids is a definite transition in life! We’ve written before about having children, but one area we haven’t touched on is adoption. A few of my friends have adopted children, and what a process! Aside from the paperwork and inspections and all that, I’ve been curious about how it works. If you have a child by birth, you at least know it’s an infant and can prepare by buying a crib and infant car seat. If you’re adopting or fostering, one day, you have no kids, and you’re not sure when they will arrive. The next minute, they call you and tell you the children arrive tomorrow.

How do you plan and manage something like that? I chatted with my friend Leah about her experience with adoption. Leah’s two children arrived in May 2015, a 1-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. She’s in Louisiana, and all states have slightly different rules, but it gave me some indication of the organization needed to handle this abrupt change.

Q: What was the hardest part of planning for their arrival?

A: Well, that I had no time. I was approved to be a foster mom on Wednesday of that week, and they were dropped off at my house the very next day. I had been approved for less than 12 hours! My world tilted, and I almost fell off. I had to secure a crib, toddler bed, clothes, toys, etc. in just a few days. They slept in my room the first few nights because I didn’t have beds for them yet!

So basically, I had to get very organized very quickly. Foster care also involved a ton of appointments. In that first week, I had to get them to a pediatrician and start catching them up on immunizations. They also had to see a dentist that same week. I had to find a daycare that was approved by the foster care system. I also had to set a schedule that allowed me to take them to court-scheduled visits with their bio family.

All of this was just calendar stuff—the paperwork that came with it was immense. All of that plus love on two scared babies. It was insane. I was easily the craziest person you’d meet on the street for a solid year after they came to live with me.

Q; I think you’ve mentioned you weren’t sure how long you’d have them. Meaning you foster first and then adopt, right? So what was that like?

Yes, that’s correct. Well, the day the social worker dropped them off, she told me they would likely be “in the system awhile.” She did not believe they would be reunited with family any time soon. For the first three months, I was fully prepared for them to leave me—but then we all bonded, and it became scary to think about them ever leaving. But that’s what I signed up for, so I just tried my best not to worry—which was impossible. I just wanted them to be safe, and so far, the court could not guarantee they would be safe with their bio family. Eventually, it became obvious they would stay with me, and I could breathe a bit easier. But until those adoption papers were signed, I was in a constant state of worry. In the end, both bio parents willingly gave up their rights, and I will be thankful for both of them for the rest of my life. They did the best thing for the kids, and I am grateful and aware of their sacrifice every day.

Q: Did you have a lot of notice before they showed up to get beds/cribs/supplies, or was it sudden?

No notice. None. Zero. I had nothing ready. I got all the basics the afternoon they were dropped off—like food, toothbrushes, diapers, clothes—from friends who went to the store for me while I was trying to leave work to get home before the van arrived. They did not come with anything from foster care that was useful. They did arrive with clothes that were way too big in a trash bag and two car seats that were not in their age or weight range. I had to get car seats, beds, crib, toys, etc. over the next few days. — All from the kindness of my friends. It was a whirlwind.

On my third day as a new mom, I realized I hadn’t showered in three days. A friend called to check on me, and I must have sounded terrible because she dropped everything and drove 45 minutes so I could shower and nap. She had a 1-year-old and could not imagine also having a 2-year-old at the same time.

Q: How did you organize the paperwork or whatever documentation?

So much paperwork. At first, I had my mom help me because I have poor paper organizational skills. I’m great with digital organization, but paper is my nemesis. After a few weeks, my kitchen counter was covered in important papers. I ended up buying a small filing cabinet, and that helped immensely. But the paperwork for foster care and adoption is never-ending. The filing cabinet became full rather quickly, but I kept everything. Eventually, I came up with a system that put the older forms in another plastic folder system, and I used the filing cabinet for the stuff that was new or I had to refer to often, like their medical cards, SS cards, and birth certificates.

Now, when the adoption happened, I had to change their names, order new birth certificates with my name on them, etc. So, I had to be very organized with dates and appointments. Luckily, I’m pretty good with that via my phone and Alexa. I have my calendars integrated, so if I holler at Alexa, she adds it to my calendar on my phone and will set reminders. That was and still is a lifesaver. Until the adoption was complete, I’d look at my coming week every Sunday and plan accordingly. I was also transitioning to working from home full-time, so things became easier to organize since I spent all day in one space and could easily hop from mom stuff to work stuff to adoption stuff.

Q: What would be your top tip for someone at the starting stages of the adoption process?

From an organizational point of view, prepare for more paperwork than you ever thought possible. If you are doing foster care, prepare for the first few days with a new placement to just be appointments, doctor, dentist, daycare, court, etc. Don’t fight it—it’s happening; these things are court-ordered and must be done, so just give your life over to that for at least the first week or so. If I had to do it over again, I’d invest in a system that would have stored the docs digitally—but it was hard to even think about that in the middle of everything. That’s only a revelation I had in hindsight.

I cannot stress enough that future foster, and many time adoption families, will also be short on any “me” time. Just like with a new baby, I’m sure! But I went from no kids to two kids under the age of 3—that was exhausting alone, but when you add in paperwork, appointments, and your actual job you get paid for—it was near impossible to carve out 20 mins to myself. The best advice I got regarding that came from a friend of mine with six kids—she said, put them to bed early because they will wake up early no matter what. That saved my life. I know that sounds extreme, but I put them on a 7 p.m. bedtime. After a few months, I was able to carve out at least an hour to myself every night to read or watch TV/shower/even work if I had to. Still now, they are in their bedroom at 7:30 p.m. and are usually asleep by 8:30. They respect that’s my time to listen to music, read, talk on the phone, whatever. They still get up, etc., don’t get me wrong—but they settle down early!

Q: What surprised you most about how your life changed after you had kids?

Me no longer being the focus of my life. It’s like a switch flipped, and now my life is entirely about them—and I didn’t mind. Not minding is the crazy part. I did whatever I wanted, when I wanted—right up until they were dropped off at my house. All of a sudden, everything required planning. A trip to the store required foresight! I was used to just being on the go, and that stopped- but I felt busier than ever.

Q: How do you manage your time balancing two kids and work life, especially as a single parent?

This was extremely challenging. I didn’t really get it right until about a year in. The early bedtimes and an actual schedule did wonders. But the kids were coming from no structure whatsoever. I had to teach them how to be on a schedule. For the first six months, I had a military-like schedule. Wake up, breakfast, play, snack, TV time, lunch, etc. No necessarily time-based, like at 7 a.m. we wake up—it was more day part based—if that makes sense. Like after we get up, we eat breakfast, then play, etc. We did not deviate, and they actually loved it; they love having a predictable little life. So, I stuck with it.

For the first year are so, I got no sleep. I’m talking maybe four hours a night if I was lucky. They were constantly waking up through the night. I tried everything from lying down with them, letting them in my bed, night lights, and noise machines ANYTHING! The only thing that worked was time. So that first year was rough. I had no me time, I couldn’t focus on work, and I had migraines at least three times a week from lack of sleep. It’s a blur mostly. But after that first year, we all settled into a schedule, and things began to look up.

Q: What else can you think of related to organizing both your time and your space regarding adoption?

If they are going the foster route, it seems logical to prepare to get as many kids’ things as possible. However, you’ll end up with a room of stuff you may not need after seeing the kids’ age. So, if they want to prepare before a placement, they’ll need an entire extra room to stock stuff like high chairs, car seats, baby clothes, and more—and then may not use any of it because an 8-year-old needs a place to stay—not the baby they thought they might get. I did not get a chance to prepare like this because of how quickly the kids were placed with me, but I have seen other foster parents dedicate an entire room just to supplies for kids of all ages.

Also, understanding that these kids may come with trauma — so your best-laid plans can come to a screeching halt. My daughter was a hot mess when she came to live with me. She threw 10-12 tantrums a day. She would throw herself down on the ground and scream. Until that ended, about a month or so after she came live with me, it was impossible to get anything done. I just had to accept that. My day was consumed with a crying 2-year-old. Her whole life had been turned upside down. She didn’t want me to touch her; she didn’t know me. It was incredibly hard to navigate. I had to be compassionate, stern, and loving, all on no sleep and with my stress level through the roof. I made so many mistakes out of pure desperation. Looking back now, there is really nothing that could have prepared me for that reality-other than accepting my plans were not set in stone, and I could pivot.

It’s crazy to think about now because my daughter is without a doubt the kindest child I’ve ever met. She puts everyone first, including me. Now her brother is the time suck in this house! But he’s all charisma, so it evens out. He was easier as a baby because he accepted me right away. On day one, I was his mom, whether I knew it or not. He wanted to be comforted. My daughter was a challenge, and there was really no way to prepare for what she threw at me until it was happening.

Needless to say, the emotional component took precedence over any organization, and I suffered through months of overwhelming disorganization. It was practically paralyzing actually to get paper and schedules organized, but once I did that, things became easier. Again, a pretty rigorous schedule was key for us.

Special thanks to Leah for sharing her story with me for this post! I hope it helps someone out there who is thinking about adoption or fostering.

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