3 Crucial Tactics to Free Yourself from the Expectations of Other

It’s bad enough that we have to battle our own mind chatter! When you want to free yourself from expectations, you have to deal with the presumptions of others, too!

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

Scenario 1: You’re working “in the flow” on a project when a co-worker says, “This was due, like yesterday. I need you to put everything else aside and take care of it right now!” First, “like yesterday” may mean that the person handing it to you didn’t plan well enough to meet the deadline. Or it could mean that someone else promised a due date and your co-worker is just passing along the information. Regardless of how the task landed in your lap, you need to get some clarity before you proceed.

Scenario 2: You’re tired and tomorrow you have an early morning, so you decide to leave a social gathering. Your friends say, “You can’t leave yet. You’re usually one of the last ones to leave.” While that may be true, this time you wanted to practice good self-care by getting home to get a good night sleep.

Scenario 3: Your schedule is jammed and your 88 year-old father calls and says his computer isn’t “working right”. He needs you to pick it up tomorrow and take it to the repair shop. He lives 35 minutes from you in one direction and the repair shop is 20 minutes from you in the other direction. While he uses his computer quite a bit, it isn’t his only means of communication with others.

In each of these scenarios, you could give in to the request (demand?) of the other person. And while there are times when that might be appropriate, more often than not, the matter isn’t as urgent as it seems.

Just as you have the ability to calm your mind chatter, you can also manage the expectations of others!

Pause

You may take a deep breath. You could give a stock answer: “I need a little more information to address your request.” You might ask a question: “Can you give me a few more details?” You could give an off-the-cuff response, like, “I’m trying something new here….”

The purpose of the pause is twofold. First, it prevents an automatic reply like, “Sure, no problem.” Second, it gives your brain a moment to consider how you might respond.

You can even make the pause “longer” by saying, “Good question. I need to check my calendar and get back to you.”

Clarify

Let the person know that you’d like some additional information. In Scenario 1, you need to find out what the task involves, the actual deadline, and whether or not your supervisor is aware that your tasks will be reprioritized. If you don’t have a boss to consult, then the pause helps you determine whether or not this new task is something you really need or want to do.

If you feel the need to clarify anything in Scenario 2, it is probably for the benefit of your friends. Your choices include, “I have an extra early morning and I need to be at my best” or “Don’t worry, this won’t be a regular thing!”

For Scenario 3, it’s important to determine the urgency of the needed repairs, the hours of the shop, and if there is another option for fixing the computer. Furthermore, you may need to gently let your father know that your schedule isn’t as open as his, so you will need to negotiate the timing.

Limit

You need to set parameters to eliminate push-back while keeping a conversation cordial. This ties in with the pause and clarity tactics.

It’s not easy to set realistic boundaries! However, it is critical when you want to free yourself from the expectations of others. Here are a few tips to help you refine this essential skill: how to set limits on your own schedule and apply these 5 steps to say “no” more effectively.

As you start to employ these tactics, keep in mind that these are new skills. They take time to build up and get into shape. Just like a new exercise program, you’re creating new habits. There will be days that it’s easier to use these tactics and other days when it’s more difficult. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing to deploy them.

Here are a few additional ideas for when you are managing the expectations of others as you’re experiencing a life transition:

• You may need to remind the person that things are different due to the current shift happening in your life. Yet that doesn’t mean you have to share too many details. It can be as simple as “My schedule’s been disrupted by a life event and I’m not able to do as much as I usually do.” Or “Due to a life event, I need to simplify my schedule.”
• Watch out for the assumptions of others. They are used to how “you’ve always been” and the change may not be well excepted at first. You may need to convey that you are working on new self-care skills and you hope they’ll be supportive.
• Invite the person to explore this self-improvement with you: “I’d be happy to share how I’m creating a more reasonable schedule.”

These tactics get easier with practice – I promise! However, if you don’t start using them, they won’t get any easier. There is no “best time” to start freeing yourself from the expectations of others, so just start today!

Overwhelmed by the thought of simplifying your calendar by freeing yourself from the expectations of others? Life Transitions Organizing has experience and training empowering clients in transition create a schedule which supports their lifestyle. Get in touch today!