Case Study: A Couple Merging Their Stuff

Moving into the same space as a couple is, of course, an exciting time. While a good one, this life transition is big because your living arrangement affects your daily flow and has a massive impact on your stuff!

Couples who cohabitate just after college may find less stuff to sort and figure out; they’re just getting started. I moved in with my boyfriend (now my husband) after several years as an adult. That meant we both had a few more things to bring with us. Once we got all the boxes into the house, it was time to unpack and start figuring things out. This doesn’t happen in a day. Here are some of the aspects of merging things to consider:

Where to live – You might wonder what your home/apartment choice this has to do with stuff, but hear me out. One good thing about my merger is that we moved into a new place together. I think this part is far more difficult if one person is moving into the other’s home. A friend of mine moved into her husband’s house, and they struggled for years to make it feel like her home, too. The current resident must find a way to change what he or she has been doing, which is difficult. Based on my experience, that of my friend, and a few other stories I’ve gathered, it seems more comfortable if you both find a new place together. Of course, that’s not always possible in various real estate markets and situations in which you prefer one location or have a lease to uphold, etc.

Which stuff to keep – You might be in love with your partner, but that doesn’t mean this life transition won’t cause some friction. As you merge things, you’ll realize you have two sets of many items, especially kitchen things. Depending on how much storage space you have, you might choose to keep the second set in case of breakup (I know; not optimistic) or as a backup for when things break. We didn’t have much room, so we went through all the duplicate stuff and chose the higher quality of the two items. In some cases, if one of us felt more attached to an object, we’d keep both or keep the “lower quality” one anyway. Although it felt hard in some cases to let go of some things, I realized later that it was silly (I mean, we’re talking about kitchen utensils and some basic furniture here). I also realized that I didn’t miss them at all because I’d gained something better: a partner. If you’re finding it hard to say goodbye to things, you might be feeling like you’re letting go of your single life, and that’s OK. You’ll need to acknowledge the feeling and work through it so you don’t end up in an argument about which living room chair to keep.

Decor – This part can be tricky for a new couple. Our rule on this was that if one person absolutely hates something, that art or object didn’t stay. The owner could take a photo of it as a memory. If it was something genuinely precious, the owner could store it or choose to put it in the office or bedroom. This rule has served us well through the years. Today we choose art in this manner: the other partner can’t loathe the piece. (If we waited until we both adored something, our walls would still be bare, but we keep looking!)

Where to keep it – Some people have strong opinions on where things should go. Neither my partner or I cared too much about this, but we talked about everything and came to an agreement. “How about the plates go here?” “Uh, sure!” Remember, you can always move things later. If you’re challenged by this, start with big categories such as rooms. This type of thing in the office, that type of thing in the bedroom, etc. You’ll want to do a lot of this together so you can help each other find things later. After all, you’ll be stumbling around a bit for a few weeks as you learn a new home. (You’ll need to give yourself extra time to get ready in the morning!)

How to get rid of the extra stuff – My partner and I like to be as green as we can, so we donated and recycled a lot of things. If he had something he wanted to give to a friend, family member, that was fine and vice versa. The challenge here is to make sure one of you is in charge of an item that is leaving the house. Otherwise, you might both let it sit and feel irritated when the other person doesn’t take care of it!

A few other thoughts:

• After the initial moving day, schedule some times to finish up the unpacking together. Try not to let it linger past a week.
• Put labels on things so you both know what to find where.
• Your filing cabinet is a whole other thing to consider. Check out two blog posts we wrote about this, one on whether to merge files and the other about how to tackle it.

Did you find it challenging to move in with your partner? What advice would you add to this list?