How to Navigate the Holidays After the Death of a Loved One

December is “the most wonderful time of the year”, according to the well known song. Or is it?

If you’re experiencing the first holidays after the loss of a family member or loved one, it may seem like a not so wonderful time and you may feel like the holiday season is a daily struggle. You may find yourself feeling overwhelmed by holiday traditions that remind you of your loss and the person you are missing.

Grief is a process that is unique to everyone. I have found that giving yourself permission to take whatever time you need, and in whatever way you need, for grieving is best. In my experience, the grief process is like a spiral and emotions may come back long after the actual loss of your loved one. This is normal!

Having experienced the death of both of my parents in December, although many years apart, I know this month can bring a roller coaster of emotions and memories. Over the years, I’ve learned several coping strategies through this life transition and here are a few for you to consider.

Recognize that the holidays will not be the same
We all have expectations of what we think the holidays should be and accepting that the holidays will be different can be very stressful.
• If you have a calendar of holiday traditions that you typically follow, this may be the time to evaluate which traditions will serve your situation right now.
• This is also the time to learn to say no, to others and to yourself, if certain traditions are too overwhelming or emotionally taxing.
• You could try making a list of the traditions that are most important to you and pick out a few that you feel able to manage. You may need to let go of some that don’t work for you right now or seem to take too much emotional energy.

Remember, you can always pick them back up in the future.

Try something new
Not many of us enjoy change but this first holiday may be a time to try a new activity or experience. You might even want to plan spending the holidays in a different location so that you don’t feel obligated to carry out traditions that remind you of your loss.

Lean on your support network
It’s tempting to isolate yourself during the grief process but you need the support of your family and friends. Grief is a life transition that ALL of us experience so don’t think you have to do it alone.
• Lean on the communities to whom you are connected such as faith communities, professional communities, neighborhood and/or social communities.
• These communities can also be a source of grief counseling, support groups and other services.

Find ways to honor your loved ones
Yes, our missing loved ones are no longer physically here but we can find ways to feel their presence during the holiday season.
• Perhaps you can create a new holiday tradition in remembrance of them such as planning a charitable experience or service event that would meaningfully honor them.
• You may want to set up a table display of special photos where you can pause in a moment of mindfulness or reflection.

Finally, give yourself compassion and kindness. And don’t neglect to create time for yourself through self-care and mindfulness practices as you journey through this transition. Remember, it is a journey that each of us experiences as part of life.